I swear that this blog is not going to be a wishy-washy compilation of complaints and misgivings about my life, but I need to get a little bit of something off of my chest. This is hard for me to admit to the strangers of the internet, and harder still to admit to the people I know and love who will eventually read this blog, people who think I am happy and whole when in truth I am not. However, I look to use this blog as part therapy and part accomplishment, and for this to begin, I have a confession that I must make.
Here it is; my ultimate disgrace.
I am nobody. I am not overly special, not overly brilliant, not overly clever, or creative, or funny. I am a 22 year old man with a lot of free time on his hands and not a lot of accomplishments aside from the basics: I have a cat (adorable), a girlfriend (also adorable), a job (well paid), and a roof over my head (which I share with my girlfriend and a handful of roommates), which makes me fortunate, but not satisfied. I want to change.
Have you ever had a dream? A goal, an objective, something that you strive for, dedicate your entire life for? I haven’t. I have never managed to generate a reasonable dream for myself (which, given my age, isn’t altogether surprising), but I find my lack of dreams depressing, and dull. Who wants to grow up to be nothing? Who dreams of being a cog in the machine? I used to, or, more specifically, I didn’t dream of being anything else. I was content to drift along in life, only concerned with the here and now, never worried about life after this year or the next.
I had vague, transparent goals, where I wanted to write a book, author a webcomic, learn to play an instrument, become good at a sport, independently develop a game. I had goals that were the desires of other people, what I thought would please my parents, what I thought would be socially acceptable, what I thought would make myself feel accomplished. And I was horrible at it. Downright awful, in fact. I have a number of crappy books on hold because I can’t write consistently. I have no less than three webcomics on hold, because I can’t manage a schedule consistently. I haven’t practiced my guitar (on which I can play a handful of off-tune chords and baselines) in almost six months. I haven’t seriously exercised since a non-serious knee injury I developed while I did crew when I was 18. I have two games that exist better on paper than they do in a virtual sense. I have failed at my mediocre dreams, and it is because these dreams are not wholly mine.
In relation to these goals, I have recently come to the realization that something in my life needs to change. I’ll admit, this desire for change has come from my girlfriend, (let’s call her M), who sat me down one day a few weeks ago and told me that I was miserable. She told me that I was trying to sit on a throne of failed projects and broken dreams, and my kingdom of failure was doing nothing but forcing me to look upon the world as a list of missed opportunities and failed objectives. It hurt, and it still hurts, to realize that she’s right. I can no longer stand to watch myself wallow in unaccomplished desires, leaving me unhappy and nonfunctional.
M thinks that I should drop my hollow dreams, spend a little bit of life with true non-ambition to allow myself to recuperate from my lack of success. I have not spent a single moment since that talk working towards any goals or accomplishments, and to be frank, it has done to me a damn bit of good. I found that I have dreams- they were buried deep inside of me, and I could never see them through the pile of projects of things I half wanted to do. While I still want to do some of my older objectives (Write a book, a webcomic, make a game), I have also come to the realization that I am approaching them from the wrong direction. I have also realized that there is so much more for me to want! For example, I never knew that I wanted to learn how to play the drums. I think it sounds like a lot of fun! I want to start a small business when I get older- like a coffee shop or something. I want to become involved in politics. I want to invent a new word. I want to develop a new meal. I want to be a contestant on American Idol, The Price Is Right, and Chopped, and I want to lose on each and every one of them. I want to write a blog. I am conceited and egotistic, because I know that I am smart and clever enough to tackle all of these things (Except for politics, I recognize that that dream is a bit of a fantasy as I lack the charisma to excel there). I am an amazing person, and I will not let myself get in the way of being a star. I will blaze more brilliantly than the sun, even if I risk burning up in the process. I may not succeed, but I’ll be damned if I go out without trying.
This is what brings me here. I Started A Blog(That Nobody Read). The name is a reference to a Sprites song of the same name, which is either literal or ironic, depending on whether or not this blog gains any popularity. The goal of this blog is nothing special- I hope that by consistently making posts, I will develop as a writer, grow as a human being, and hopefully gain a number of fans to follow in my endeavors. I hope that you, as another human being, can see who I am- I’m nobody, a software engineer in a small company, a college graduate with a vague and uncertain future, but I refuse- refuse!- to let my life end like this. I don’t know where I’ll go, but I’m going places, and I want to take you along for the ride.
So without further ado, let me introduce you to what this blog will be about. I plan on blogging about the four most important elements of my life- books, comics, music and movies. Not what you expected, maybe, but not beyond predictable for a blog on the internet. I plan to review the works of other people and post my own work when applicable. While I may make the occasional introspective post, as I said in the beginning, that is not the point of this blog, even though this is where it begins. I hope you have enjoyed my confession (in spite of its length) and continue to read.
Thank you, and enjoy.